5 Reasons Not to Reach Out to Your DNA Matches (Yet)

If your DNA test results just shook your world, I see you. I have been there, too. Maybe you’ve realized the person you thought was your biological parent is not. Maybe you found out that your dad isn't biologically related and you think you’ve identified your "real" father. Maybe you’re looking at a close DNA match and feel like you’re one message away from confirmation.

But before you reach out to that half sibling, cousin, or potential parent, I want you to pause.

Here’s why I do not recommend reaching out right away. Even if the person is a close match. Especially if they are.

1. DNA matches are predictions, not proof

That match labeled half sibling might actually be a niece. That second cousin might be a first cousin once removed. The labels are just estimates. You can only confirm the relationship by figuring out how your matches are connected to each other. That takes careful work and a big-picture view. If you reach out too soon, you may be contacting someone who has no idea who you are and no idea what happened in their own family.

2. You may be walking into someone else’s secret

Here’s the hard truth. You are not required to be anyone’s secret. You have the right to know who you are. You have the right to search. But if you’re the result of a hidden pregnancy, an affair, a donation, or "a mistake" that was never spoken aloud, you may be showing up with information that changes everything for someone else.

That person may not know you exist. They may not know their own parent had another child. You might be bringing forward something they were never told. That doesn’t mean you should stay silent. It means you should be strategic.

Go to the parent, not their family members. The parent is the one with answers. If they deny it, or ask you not to contact their relatives, you still get to decide how to move forward. But at least you’ve gone straight to the source, with clarity and care.

Once you send a message, you cannot take it back. Make sure it’s the right person and the right moment.

3. Most people do not know their second cousins

Even if someone shares a significant amount of DNA with you, that does not mean they will know who your biological parent is. Most people do not know the names of their second cousins, let alone their cousins’ children. Contacting them will not necessarily get you closer to an answer. Understanding how your matches are connected to each other is what will move the search forward.

4. Your matches are already helping just by being there

If someone has tested and shows up as a match, they are already helping you—whether they respond or not. Their DNA is now in the system. If they have a family tree attached to their test, that is even better. That gives you something to work with. Most matches help more by showing up than by replying. You do not need permission. You need information.

5. There is a better way to get your answers

The goal is not just to find someone. The goal is to understand how you fit. That means grouping your matches, building out the trees, and looking for patterns: names, locations, shared ancestors. That’s what I do. I help people figure out where they belong using strategy, experience, and care.

If you are staring at your match list and feeling stuck, I can help. If you are pretty sure you know who your biological parent is but don’t feel ready to reach out, I can help with that too.

You do not have to guess. You do not have to go it alone. And you do not have to do it today, you do it when you're ready.